I just went to the bodega and the cops came in and started talking to this teenage boy... then more of them came.. but it was all happening right as I was leaving so I don't know what it was about. I wonder if they think he's the guy that shot the boy the other day. I went to go get ice cream with Todd and Cara and as we were walking up my hill I saw a lot of cop cars... as we walked up the hill it turned into total hysterical chaos. Teenage kills were screaming and crying. I heard someone say, "16. He was 16." I think at this time my mind went into sort of a protection mode 'cause I thought she said, 60. It took a few more steps up the hill for me to register, 16. Around this time I see a teenage girl walking across the street. Her white sweat pants are stained in blood down the entire leg on one side. She's walking slowly almost gasping for air. I walk past her out of sight and then hear her wretching...throwing up Turns out the 16 was wrong. He was 15. And now he's dead. A few hours later I walked with a random group of guys from my building to go get cigarettes. We passed a detective and the assholes started talking to them. I didn't want to walk the rest of the way by myself so I stuck around but didn't want anyone to see me talking to this guy. It was a very weird moment in which I had to metacognitively think of what role me either talking or not talking to this detective was. As a teacher I felt I wanted to set the example that you should always talk to the cops and give information. So I kind of stood aside from the group. This guy walked by to see what was going on and the cop goes, "Oh someone got shot" and did the like 'fuggettaboutit' hand motion like it was no fucking big deal. Like "Oh someone tripped and stubbed their toe." It was fucking bullshit. I shot him the dirtiest look not like that matters. Disgusting. So the cop told that the guy emptied his clip and they are looking for him. There's a vigil where he died and a vigil by his house which is right near my gym. A fucking child dead having fun playing basketball. I hope they catch the motherfucker.
Anyway.. I just also want to get out that I feel really guilty and bad and awful and every negative word you could think of for smoking so much pot during the day. I feel like a total bum. Like there is fucking nothing else for me to be doing but smoke. Agh. I'm lonely. But at the same time I don't want to be around anybody. It's getting better. I'm hanging out more with people...making more friends. I went to the park today with a girl from school.
I also went to the gym.... did one class. I NEED to stop smoking both so much and dedicate more time to the gym. I am determined to lose 15 pounds before I go back to Atlanta. I want Katie to be shocked. And I want to do it for myself. I want to set an achievable goal and ACHIEVE it! So 15 lbs in two months. Ima do it.
Here's what I ate today
Breakfast
Some blackberries
Lunch
Whole wheat pita
Grilled Chicken breast
about cups brown rice
Agh ketchup... more than I should have... probably two tbsp.
Anyway I'll write later probably. I don't know what to do with myself. I figure this is something.
